The University of Auckland recently divulged that students in First Year Health Science had been exposed to measles, with several confirmed cases from students that had attended core classes. Craccum is here to help you get your education free from preventable disease.
1. Get Vaccinated
What the fuck are you doing taking pre-med classes while being unvaccinated. Clearly you believe in medicine, so why don’t you actually use it?
2. Skip Class
Just to be on the safe side, just stop going to lectures altogether. Lecture theatres are a hotbed for disease, and who knows what the engineers left behind in OGGB – 098 for you. Everything is recorded now anyway.
3. Skip Tests
Like above, tests can be just as dangerous with the added danger of the cool night time wind increasing the spreadability of the virus that air bourne.
4. Don’t Go Anywhere or Do Anything
I know it will be tough to imagine, being to social butterfly you are, but maybe it is time to settle into your studies. Don’t be another relaxed, easy going FYHS student, you need to be focused. Keep your eyes on the prize. Knuckle down in your room, studying until 1am, and keep up other healthy habits.
5. Become Best Friends With Lecturers
They’re professionals, and if they aren’t doctors they are researchers – potentially brewing up the next supercure. Just bug them after every class and ask a million questions on Piazza so they notice you.
6. Brag About Your GPA More
Staying away from people is one thing, but it is another to get people to stay away from you. By constantly talking about your amazing GPA friends and classmates will immediately want to be around you less. Make sure to ask what they got on assignments and tests, and then one-up them with your own score to secure a 3 foot perimeter around you at all times.
7. Full Body Sterilization
Sometimes you’ve got to fight fire with fire – literally! Sterilize yourself in a baptism of fire to ensure no germs survive in or on your body. For extra-strength results, shower beforehand in 70% ethanol.
8. Intimidate the enemy
Assert your dominance as the alpha of your class by drawing red dots on yourself to give the appearance of measles. This will make everyone steer clear of you, and it will trick the measles virus into thinking you have already succumb to its will, so it will choose another target.
9. Switch Degrees
Let’s be honest, you really only want to be a doctor to make your parents happy. FYHS is stressful, and takes a lot of energy. You might as well switch to something worthless – like an Arts degree. Your parents will probably still be proud of you if you choose a cop-out subject. We hear UOA offers Communications now.
10. Go to Otago
UOA is lost to disease. There is no escaping it and it is only a matter of time before it comes for you. Get out while you still can before the measles-fuelled apocalypse takes you.