Remember how sex first looked in the movies? All sensual and sweaty. Maybe there are some candles lit, or some rose-petals lying around. The lovers ~caress~ and the camera glides over tasteful snippets of ~conjugal embrace~ while ~classical music~ swells at the moment of orgasm… yeah.
Pretty different from the last time you fucked in the stale-weed-smell-backseat of Brad’s 2009 Toyota Corolla to the soothing sounds of Kendrick Lamar rapping over the shitty suspension, isn’t it? If only Macky Gee’s bass drop in Tour could make you cum like Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On seems to do it for Rose in Titanic.
Sadly, not everyone’s partner is Jack—but never fear, we have the next best thing. Dr. Jack-Off and Mr. Hymen are here to show you the secret to a spicier sex life by using the latest in sex and wellbeing research, originally compiled for a post-graduate Psychology course. Maybe next time Brad will even find your clit!
1. Amount of Boinking
We’re not saying you should do it every minute of the day, but studies suggest that having more sex makes you happier. Is that why Ronald McDonald is always smiling? Who knows, but I bet he gets pussy.
Jokes aside, research actually shows that if you’re having sex at least once a week, having more sex probably won’t cure your depression—so, let’s not force it, hey?2,3 Have as much or as little sex as makes you and your partner(s) happy. We don’t care.
2. Don’t be a one trick cow-person
Look, it’s fine if you’re not flexible enough to do the double-pretzel-oyster twist, or the triple-somersault-backflip dragonfly, and you don’t need to have superhuman strength so you can do the backwards-helix scissor. It’s not about the positions, and if your favourite flavour is vanilla, then happy licking.
But research says couples that are happy with their sex also do other things like giving each other mini massages, wearing sexy lingerie, showering together, going on date nights before sex, using sex toys, experimenting with anal stimulation, and talking about sexual fantasies.1
3. *Jason Derulo voice*: Talk dirty to me
In case you hadn’t figured it out by now, the public toilets of your local beach aren’t the most ~romantic~ of locations. But with a little imagination, and maybe a couple scented candles, you can still have a good time.
The key is setting the mood, like telling your partner you love them, talking dirty to each other, lighting candles, playing music (just not Eminem for the love of God), and laughing “with” (not “at”! No matter how tempting) them. It could even be as simple as sexting your partner during a lecture for later—go on, we won’t tell.
4. ~Communication~
As much as I love making fun of sub-par twenty-something dudes that don’t know where my clit is, if I don’t tell them it’s there, they won’t know. Eventually I just got my pussy pierced, so there’d be a fucking permanent sign.
But if you’re not willing to go to extreme measures, you’re going to need to tell your partner what you want. This can look like checking in with them after trying something new, or complimenting them when they do something you like, or just having a conversation about what you both/all want.
5. The Last Hurrah
While 95% of men frequently orgasm during sex, only 46- 66% of women do.1,4 If you want a job done right, do it yourself, reported almost half the women. And only 6% said they could orgasm vaginally, despite what Bridgerton says.4 So, let’s sort it out, shall we?
Firstly, research suggests learning to accept yourself and your body is one of the most important factors to having an enjoyable sex life. Secondly, concentrating on sex is important. No more thinking about the laundry while trying to bone down, okay? Finally, women report orgasming more when they’re more active during the act, like riding cowgirl. Yeehaw.
But research has definitely reported that a partner’s skills are important for helping vulva owners reach orgasm. Factors listed include: being good at eating-out, lasting longer than 15 minutes, and not being “too fast,” whatever that means (they didn’t state it in the study).4
“Shockingly,” straight women report having the least amount of pleasure and orgasms from sex compared to any other group.5 Lesbians also enjoy oral sex more and have more multiple-orgasms. This may be because wlw relationships report having sex for longer, even if it’s less frequent.6 Research on factors like communication, anatomical knowledge and skills are still lacking, however.
Importantly, women show more variation in ability to achieve orgasms and sex drive when compared to men, and this is completely normal—this ties back into knowing your own needs and wants as well as your partners.4
That’s all, folks.
Sex isn’t always perfect.7 It involves two or more fleshy-meat sacks along with all the accompanied juices, noises and odors that come with them. It’s also awkward a lot of the time. No, I won’t call you “Daddy,” Josh, you’re a year younger than me.
It’s important to have realistic expectations. Sex is hard work, and sometimes it takes a bit of creativity and trying to make it as passionate as it was in the sweet beginning of the relationship. So, if that works for you, try to have sex at least once a week, change things up in the bedroom, take the time to set the mood, and have a chat with your partner about their likes and dislikes. Also, you can try working on some self-love and accepting your body, being mindful during sex, learning new skills, slowing things down, being more active, and focusing more on the clitoris (if there is one in your relationship). Most importantly, however, do what works for both of you and have fun!
References
- Frederick, D. A., Lever, J., Gillespie, B. J., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). What Keeps Passion Alive? Sexual Satisfaction Is Associated With Sexual Communication, Mood Setting, Sexual Variety, Oral Sex, Orgasm, and Sex Frequency in a National U.S. Study. Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 186–201. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2015.1137854
- Muise, A., Schimmack, U., & Impett, E. A. (2016). Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(4), 295–302. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550615616462
- Loewenstein, G., Krishnamurti, T., Kopsic, J., & McDonald, D. (2015). Does Increased Sexual Frequency Enhance Happiness? Journal of Economic Behavior and Organization, 116, 206–218. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jebo.2015.04.021
- Kontula, O., & Miettinen, A. (2016). Determinants of female sexual orgasms. Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, 6(1), 31624. https://doi.org/10.3402/snp.v6.31624
- Blair, K. L., Cappell, J., & Pukall, C. F. (2018). Not All Orgasms Were Created Equal: Differences in Frequency and Satisfaction of Orgasm Experiences by Sexual Activity in Same-Sex Versus Mixed-Sex Relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 55(6), 719–733. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1303437
- Blair, K. L., & Pukall, C. F. (2014). Can less be more? Comparing duration vs. frequency of sexual encounters in same-sex and mixed-sex relationships. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 23(2), 123–136. https://doi.org/10.3138/cjhs.2393
- Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “Good-Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351–362. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681990601013492
