In case the first week back to uni is getting you down, here are some tried and tested coping mechanisms courtesy of UoA’s very own students:
July 11, 9 am, UoA City Campus:
Personally, you think you deserve some sort of medal for getting out of bed today. The horror of Sem 1 exams afresh in your mind; the 3 week break didn’t even come close to restoring your capacity to feel joy. The weather is shit, you spilled the Moccona-sachet coffee out the side of your keep cup and despite seeing the hand you waved desperately at the bus, the driver took great pleasure in maintaining eye contact whilst driving straight past you. In trying times like these, who wouldn’t want to indulge in a cheeky coping mechanism—or 6? Craccum compiles student recommendations for getting through that pesky first week back:
*Names may vary because we want you to remain employable in the future <3
- Starting off strong, Maya* recommends “having a wank and a cry”
Well what else did you expect from an English major? It’s giving YA angst. It’s giving Lana Del Ray. It’s giving *release* (all pent up frustration before calling StudentHubs because SSO has crashed for the fifth fucking time this week). Since I take my journalistic responsibilities very seriously, I was happy to take Maya’s* solution for a test drive.
Verdict: Truly the OG self care. Lets you carve out a portion of your day to light some candles, play some tunes and remind yourself that you can still feel. Extra points if you can multitask and cry during said wank! After all, you’re on a tighter schedule these days. A friendly reminder is in order to wash! those! hands! before wiping any tears.
Side effects: in the days following your cry-wank, you may find the sight of tears to be weirdly arousing…probably nothing to worry about though!
9/10. Baby, you’re so sexy when you’re emo.
- Alyssa* manages the first week blues by “listening to ‘Punisher’ by Phoebe Bridgers on repeat”
So just…all cry/ no wank?
A warning that Bridgers’ lyrical genius has the potential to catalyse a full blown existential crisis when used as a coping mechanism. I’m just saying—uni students on the brink of switching majors should not be exposed to lyrics like ‘Why would somebody do this on purpose, when they could do something else?’. Girl you better stop before I drop out!
Side effects: This coping mechanism may force students to attain an immaculate taste in music!
7/10. Gave me a quarter-life crisis set to a banging soundtrack.
- Ollie’s* favourite coping mechanism? “Making custard.”
Simple! Wholesome! Cottage-core!
OR SO I THOUGHT. The ‘simple’ two step recipe called for a level of expertise in the kitchen which as it turns out: I simply do not possess. At the end of step two, it was time to accept that no amount of “constant whisking” or “gentle folding” could save my lumpy (slightly burnt) custard. (They told me to keep it at high heat?!)
Side effects: Feeling unprecedented levels of rage for that cottage-whore Ben Michaels from GoodFood BBC. Why categorise a recipe as ‘easy’ when it actually requires Great British Bake Off extents of tomfoolery??
3/10. Made me feel bad about myself.
- When it comes to coping, Tahlia* “uses Instagram as a journal for my intrusive thoughts”
For all you adrenaline junkies out there, this is the mechanism for you!
Let me tell you: there is something so metal about posting the thoughts that inhabit the darkest corners of one’s mind, on what is perhaps, the most inauthentic app in existence. Raw. Real. Liberating. Did my followers form an extreme dislike for the daily update on how my tummy was feeling—as portrayed by differing cat gifs? Sure. Did some of them unfollow me after I posted the take: ‘Most white male comedians stop being funny the second you develop critical thinking skills’?? Absolutely. Weed out the pussies early, I say!
Side effects: Self actualization. Nothing is real and we’ll all be dead in 80 years anyway. Also your friends will start sending you messages like: “hey…are you okay?” and “How you been doing buddy?”. Ignore them. The keyboard is your sword and it’s time to get a-typin’.
8/10. My account has been temporarily disabled.
- Harry’s* coping mechanism is “Ghibli films”
Who the fuck needs drugs when you have loveable animated creatures and beautiful hand-drawn scenery??
By age 7, I had determined that if ever ‘My Neighbor Totoro’ had no fans, it meant that I no longer breathed or walked this earth. Watching Studio Ghibli films now, in my (questionable) adulthood was a warm hug! A return to my girlhood! A steaming bowl of chicken soup for the soul! Except for ‘Spirited Away’. That ghost motherfucker is NOT it. What kind of whack, soul-crushing themes are we exploring in this so-called children’s movie??
Side effects: Hunger. The rich ramen and the honey milk from ‘Ponyo’ continue to live rent free in my head. Fun fact: Ghibli food looks so delicious because they are inspired by meals creator Hayao Miyazaki makes for himself. As he puts it, “food that is still warm, that looks soft and tender with the flavour showing on the faces of those eating them? No dialogue is needed to convey deliciousness and happiness”. Talk your shit Miyazaki!!
11/10. Off to go romanticise my 2 minute noodles.
- The coping mechanism Thea* swears by is “asking finance bro’s why we can’t just print more money”.
Anything that helps me cope whilst simultaneously making someone else lose their shit is a win in my books! (I never claimed to be a good person)
Verdict: Deeply satisfying. You can see the gears being grinded and if you look close enough; the steam, as it threatens to be expelled from the ears of your victim.
Side effects: Having to actually listen to rants about why we can’t just print more money.
6/10. I pay to not listen to my uni lectures, why would I listen to a finance bro??
Welcome back to campus! More than anything I hope that this semester will not give you any cause to use these mechanisms. But since that is highly unrealistic, I wish you instead; godspeed and happy, healthy coping!
