Five noteworthy sexy movies, ranked (with minor spoilers).
Sex. We all know it; we all love it. But with back-to-back assignments, exams, and everything life throws at us (ahem, COVID), lone riders and distant couples lack a good ‘catch-up.’ Sure, there’s porn and all the other internet goodies, but how about something more thematically fulfilling? Something that is sexy, steamy, yet intellectually stimulating, and even worth your emotional time. These movies will be rated with everything you need to know: Are they cringey? Are they safe to watch with the folks? Are they meaningful to the rest of the movie’s story? And most importantly, are they at all sexy?
Sausage Party Dir. Conrad Vernon/Greg Tiernan
I think starting with this will make a lot of you uncomfortable. There’s nothing quite like anthropomorphic food stuffs making dirty joke after joke for a whole 90 minutes. Sure, the imagination can only go so far with walking sausages, twinkies and buns, but I will be damned if they don’t milk the damn things. The most memorable point of the movie, of course, is the abomination that is the ending orgy. A messy, Mickey Mouse handed horror show of beet-jobs, hot sauce motor-boating and perhaps one of the most disgusting nut goggling acts I’ve ever seen (Edward Norton, how could you?). The three minutes feel agonising and none of it is remotely connected to any steamy thoughts, yet it does admittedly carry on the rest of the movie’s over-the-top feel. But yeah, I’d like to move on from this (and forget). I definitely feel bad for parents that meant well for their kids.
Cringe value: 10/10
Family value: 1/10
Story value: 6/10
Sexiness: 2/10
The Handmaiden Dir. Park Chan-Wook
I will be brief with this, as the less you know for this movie, the better, but hot damn if this is a top contender for this list. This movie’s lengthy scenes of action are highly engaging through their handling of relationships. You’re seeing two people bloom from this experience rather than a sex-for-no-reason kind of deal and it presses the complex story forward continually. That’s quite the feat for what are, essentially, really intimate scenes between the female leads. They really do every position known to humankind, frequently in really long scenes within the epic runtime. Additionally, the behind-the-scenes are very interesting to look at. Park Chan-Wook ensured that women made up the crew on set while filming these scenes, to make sure both actresses were as comfortable as possible while filming these scenes. This produces a natural aura of intimacy between the actresses, but never once does it feel gratuitous or unnecessary allowing for a possible parental viewing experience with the emotionally impacting story.
Cringe value: 2/10
Family value: 5/10
Story value: 8/10
Sexiness: 10/10
Brokeback Mountain Dir. Ang Lee
Probably the most popular pick on the list, this legend of a movie was not only a major step for mainstream LGBTQ+ cinema at the time, but a highly steamy flick. Ledger and Gyllenhaal are impeccable in their roles and equally amazing with their chemistry-filled action (I mean, who else can break a nose by kissing too hard?). The romance is totally heated and you really feel for every bit of the plights and melodramatic pulls. Of course, Michelle Williams and Anne Hathaway share some sex scenes of their own. But what we’re really here for are the two cowboys and the scenes between them that complement the overarching story of love, loss, and the mundanity of life getting in the way. The relationship feels so realistic and it tugs at the heartstrings to watch them interact throughout the years. You so genuinely feel everything they feel and so much of that gives you a warm comforting buzz. This leaves a pretty steamy movie worthy of watching with the folks.
Cringe value: 2/10
Family value: 8/10
Story value: 10/10
Sexiness: 7/10
Y Tu Mamá También Dir. Alfonso Cuarón
More than just a film that makes you feel bad that you don’t have time for a roadie, Alfonso Cuarón’s fourth major hit is a movie that explores everything about relationships we have, physically and emotionally. The two main men (played by the smoking hot Diego Luna and Gael García Bernal) are at a crossroads with Luisa (the beautiful Maribel Verdú). Their scheme to have sex with her through the trip is tangled with emotional plunges and moments of fatigue that solidify what they mean to each other. All three face their problems beside each other, and the journey is high strung and purposeful towards understanding pure love. The sex scenes in this movie emulate that passion, by being totally raw and realistic. The camera steadies these scenes with maximum coverage, and you really do see more than what most bargain for in the standard Hollywood sexual encounter. The best aspect is how simple they are with single long takes and actors fully committing to the sometimes awkward nature of sex. There’s an aura of intimacy displayed that is all too real, with the emotions around the action being vital to note. Sure, no one should watch this with their folks, but it makes total sense to the story. Oh, and this movie has some of the most sexually heated conversations I’ve ever heard (lollipops and clits anyone?).
Cringe Value: 3/10
Family Value: 3/10
Story Value: 10/10
Sexiness: 9/10
Love Dir. Gaspar Noé
From the first shot alone, Love puts literally nothing out of the realm of possibility. Threesomes, domination, eating out, spooning. Literally everyone is horny, driven, and fronting their sex drives through the two hours of this movie, and honestly, it can be extremely hard to keep up with at times. These unsimulated (yes, unsimulated) scenes between the actors are long, explicit and taken in some of the most visually striking frames I’ve seen. Once you think it can’t get more insane with the amount of sex—boom, you’re thrown into a mass orgy. These shots are stupidly high definition and have a mix of visceral and sexy sounds littered throughout. In essence, it’s one big-budget step away from the normal porn video, and the “story” doesn’t do much of anything to disprove that. These are terrible characters who are acted in this disjointed improvised script that actually loses a bit of sexiness due to how cringe-worthy they are. The main character especially is a douche and you just don’t feel all that hot seeing him get at it, hard. Keep this away from the folks, and unless you want stunning HD quality, just go on the hub.
Cringe Value: 8/10
Family Value: 0/10
Story Value: 2/10
Sexiness: 8/10
